I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
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my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
girls literally only want one thing..
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *