I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
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Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
Seems like it would be really tough being a girl named Molly at a rave.
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
*orders delivery*