A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
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if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.