Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
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woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
Dolls on drugs
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you