he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
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hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army