Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
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[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
He’s dead
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?