The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
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Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed