Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
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I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing