The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
You Might Also Like
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF