My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
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Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.