I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
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I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
1.
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4.
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10. He is a cat.
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
no
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.