Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
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My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
(Read More)
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.