Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
You Might Also Like
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country