The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
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FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
Sophomore year I called my mom excited to tell her I had declared my majors. Me: “I’m gonna double major in drama & sociology” Her: “Drama & sociology?! Whatcha gonna do with THAT ACT LIKE YOU’RE HELPING PEOPLE” 🤷🏾♀️😂
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
Bike is short for Bichael.
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun