My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
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My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
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🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
Jesus Christ lmao
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left