Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
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[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”