I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
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When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
Well, that didn’t work.
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
Mistakes were made
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.