My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
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Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.