how long have you had this for?
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Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
He died doing what he loved: being alive
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.