God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
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Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
is nasa ok
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
A friend helps you before you need it
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
#Caturday
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”