There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
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Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
We have a winner.
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
the battle rages on
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?