90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
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Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?