I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
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If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”