me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
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What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.