Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
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Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.