it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
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*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
It’s scary what’s happening. People who, only 5 years ago, were 25 or 27 at most, are now 30 and in some cases even 33 years old
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.