why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
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[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts