You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
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Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
Ever have an itch you just can’t seem to scratch? That’s a past life itch…probably cuz you were a donkey
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
Sunday
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.