DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
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me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.