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People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
no
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of