Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
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Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
A friend helps you before you need it
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.