Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
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Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.