I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
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Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
Rich people don’t understand cereal
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.