Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
You Might Also Like
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
i spent way too long on this
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”