If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
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forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..