I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
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A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
wut hotdog?
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.