[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
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*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
Marrying a trad wife only to find out she is too busy creating trad wife content to cook and clean
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
Had an epiphany today.
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
Got stuck in a long line at the store but at least I got to hear the guy behind me tell his friend all about his goats escaping and coming back pregnant
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
“Sheer Arrogance”
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
Well, this certainly took a turn