Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
You Might Also Like
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.