[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
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cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.