I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
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After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
Going into Monday like
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
The absolute effort that went into this omg
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.