1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
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Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
My home security system is just a copy of my paycheck taped to my front door.
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?