Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
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My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
So true for me
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count