Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
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Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
Breaking news:
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
So creative 😂
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?