[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
You Might Also Like
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
Just why bro?!
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
Can. I. Help. You.
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies