ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
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You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.