*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
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I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
I’m literally crying
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place