Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
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A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in