me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
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Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
I just discovered that a serving of Oreos contains 8% of your daily iron needs, since most women don’t get enough iron it would be irresponsible not to eat several servings a day, you’re welcome ladies
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom