Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
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I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.