5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
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Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
I discovered my knee feels better if I take stairs at an angle. But now every time I walk down I have to sing Puttin’ on the Ritz.
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.